10 Reasons For Becoming A Prostitute.

1) They say what they want and they don't care.

2) They drink and smoke what they want...and they certainly don't care.

3) They get all the sex they want!!! (Give or take a couple diseases. And maybe an unplanned pregnancy or two. Small price to pay? You be the judge.)

4) They have celebrity clients.

5) They can work under the table. Suck on that Uncle Sam! (They can also work on top of the table, the couch, or a hotel bed. Sometimes a car.)

6) If someone messes with them, they have a huge, hulking pimp to back them up. One who is hopefully skilled in the art of the "pimpslap."

7) Their hours are not set in stone. No 9-5's for these ladies, or men, of the night!

8) They are usually paid in cash.

9) They get to wear really slutty clothes freely...and they don't care. Break out those black thigh-high boots, leather skirts and tube-tops! I've got mine on already.

10) They make a lot of lonely business men happy when they are on furlough with their wives, or on vacay.

Disclaimer: I am not advocating prostitutes, even though I think you should do what you want. This is sarcasm. Get it? ;)

YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!

That's what HR said. Ok. It wasn't that harsh. But it sure did sting.

I got laid. HA! Kidding. I got laid off. Yeah I know. In this economy. And it toooooootallyyyyy sucks. I mean, it wasn't the most glamorous job. Actually, I hated it. I joked with my coworkers that if we were given the choice to stay or leave, I would leave. And lo and behold, fair blog reader! I hath goteth the ax...eth.

Most people would be like, "Sweet. I can take some time, collect unemployment, and chill." Oh no. Not this homo. I NEED a job. I am so bored it's unreal. I have seen almost every episode of How I Met Your Mother and have read like 5 books. One upside is that I am slowly becoming a better chef (which I hope does not entail me becoming larger, cause I ain't playing that game). I'm also working out more. I guess that's somewhat self-affirming. But I just can't help feeling a tad bit like a loser. Just the slightest bit though, because I'm pretty freakin' fabulous.

So I spend 2 to 3 hours a day applying to jobs. All kinds of jobs, this chick isn't picky. Something will come up. Hopefully I won't have to work the streets...again. Ha! Just kidding again! (Sorry baby, you know I don't do that). Oh yeah, I have a wonderful boyfriend now who has my whole entire heart. He helps me through these trying times. We like to quote It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Steel Magnolias. Yup, we are sickeningly adorable. So sue me. One of him only comes around once in a lifetime.

So even though things seem to be going in a slow downward spiral to oblivion, I think they will be looking up. As long as I can pay da billz. I'm using this period of stagnant boredom as a chance to make some changes and mayhap land a job I actually give a shit about. And knowing my track record, that's going to be tough. Most jobs I start don't last much longer than a fifteen year old girl's first monthly gift (or any ensuing gifts she may receive). I hope I stay at this next job, whatever it may be, long enough to at least put it on my resume.

Alright, blog. There. I've updated you. Can you stop nagging me to post on you now? No? Ok fine. I'll stick to it this time. Sorry for neglecting you like crack addict's baby. I'll be better. <3

Been Awhile...

Ok so...

I'm back. I really need to back into the blogging thing. It relieves so much...tension. You know?

I've recently tried to usurp myself back into gay culture. Go to bars in Hell's Kitchen, Chelsea, all the hot spots. Not necessarily to meet guys, just be around my kind. I also recently found, I don't really fit into these scenes. Despite my flamboyant mannerisms and stunning ensembles, I just can't deal with all the MEN. They are everywhere. Talking in groups, grinding on each other, attempting to get free drinks from the hot bartender...I just wanna be with my friends and consume the cheapest booze possible.

It's not like I'm poor and need to watch my budget. I just love a divey, disgusting Lower East Side bar, worthy of nothing but a sideways glance as you move to the club down the block. These places are full of dynamic personalities and good times, as long as you know how to look. They are great for meeting with friends, making new ones and cheap whiskey.

Gay men kind of freak me out. I just don't know how to handle more than one or two at one time. I want to start dating and it's been FOREVER since I actually dated, so I recently joined a dating website. One I so inconspicuously call OkStupid. The only messages I get, and I get a lot unfortunately, just say "Hey what's up?" or "Liked your profile. Wanna meet?"

Say whaaaaaaaaaa....

What kind of girl do you take me for??? I need to know a little about you. What's your favorite drink? What do you do? Are you a cuddler? If so, how much? (I shudder to think) How do you like your pb&j? Hopefully with extra p.

In short, I'm pretty selective. It's either a curse or a blessing. We'll see when that right guy comes along and we get past that first awkward date...First dates are actually kind of fun, but that's another post for another day...Say tomorrow? :)

New Musings, New Possibilities

I've been thinking lately...

Am I satisfied with my life? Am I truly happy with what I am doing? Where I'm going? I'm thinking more and more that the answer is no.

I've always been the type to not think things through. I jump into situations without much planning. Ever since graduating college I have been cruising through jobs and homes. Jet-setting to snowboard in the mountains, L.A., New Orleans, Vegas, Atlantic City, New York. I'm all over the place. I was one step away from spending a year in South Korea and teaching, but I didn't commit to that either. Now I'm working in the city and yet again looking for another job. I'm so impulsive with everything. When will I settle?

I've been thinking lately...

There's no way I'm settling soon. With so many things going on in the world, I think it's time I addressed another dream of mine: too travel overseas and work for a cause. Or maybe to stay in the country and work for a cause. I haven't decided, but apparently I don't decide on things until the time comes to decide. I read an article earlier on the nation of Haiti. Six months after the devastating earthquake that ravaged the already impoverished nation, there is still no long term recovery. Tents are still in place, equipped with food and keeping people off the streets, yes. But there is still rubble strewn everywhere. The cities are in shambles and the government is of no help. Children not receiving the attention they need. Could this be my next move? Possibly...

I've been thinking lately...

Kids. I love kids. We all know this. I work at a children's theater. But I want to make a bigger impact. I know that I could be a good teacher. But where? This is what I can't decide.

I've also been thinking lately...

Boys. I know this doesn't have anything to do with what I want to do with my life, but it's important. I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time. I haven't even dated in a long time. The boys I had been seeing were expendable and gone within 1 to 2 weeks. It's time to find a quality boyfriend. Or is it? I miss having a boy to date, kiss and introduce to my friends. But I have been thinking that I may not be around for long depending on what happens in my life. Sheesh.

What to do? What to do? Is anyone else as impulsive, indecisive and unsettled as I am? Let's see what happens I guess...

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!?!

I keep having dreams where my teeth fall out. Either I spit them into my hand or I feel them swishing around in my mouth. Then I wake up in a panic and frantically ensure that each and every tooth is in its place, from molar to incisor and back to molar. So what does is it mean? I took the liberty of finally looking it up, since I've been having this dream since I can remember.

One suggestion is that I am insecure with my looks, that I don't have confidence in myself. I am worried about how people perceive me and that they judge me harshly. Since teeth are a major concern in looks and play a large part when it comes to "necking" or "making love," I may think of myself as unsatisfactory. It could mean I am sexually impotent. It could also mean I'm going through menopause.

Well I don't think that's true. I like my teeth and I think I'm semi-attractive. I have enough confidence to get up in front of dozens of people and do presentations or perform. I may not date often, or have boyfriends ever, but I'm not afraid to flirt with the bartender for a free drink. Or ask the hottie over there if he wants to grind our bodies sensuously together (or dance).

Another meaning of this horrible nightmare could be that I am embarrassed of some future event where I might make a fool of myself. Some stressful situation where I look like an ass. Since these dreams are rooted in worries and anxieties, I might be afraid that I'll fudge up a line in one of my plays or my fly will be down the whole time I'm on the subway and someone will be trying to tell me but my headphones are in and I just look at that person like he's crazy. Oh wait, that actually happened.

I don't think that's the case either. I make a douche out of myself all the time. I'll say something stupid or have my shirt on backward. I'll drop the coffees on the floor or, just today, tripped over the escalator as the moving steps came to an end. I just laugh at myself and get over it.

Some other explanations are that I have a sense of powerlessness and I'm not in control of my life. That I'm afraid of getting old. There are scriptural reasonings in which I may be putting my faith and trust in man instead of the word of God. Haha! That one's really good. It could mean someone in my family is sick, that I have lots of money or that I tell lots of lies.

Whateverrrrr. I don't know. I think I just like my teeth and I worry about losing them. Though I would look atrocious with a mouthful of gaps and a gummy smile. Time for a set of falsies at that point. Shit.

I also have dreams about puppets and ventriloquist dummies. But that's because they are the most frightening things in the world and will continue to torment my slumber until I die. I also saw a large advertisement by Penn Station today of a horrifying clown that makes no sense. It's just there to ruin my day I guess.

Regardless, I like my dreams. Sleep would be boring without them and I'd probably do less of it. And then I'd have more dreams about my teeth falling out because I'm not getting enough sleep and I'd be worried about making an ass out of myself because I'm not performing up to par during the day. So keep 'em coming subconscious! Or where ever dreams come from.

The Girl in the Polka Dot Bikini

To the girl in the polka dot bikini...

I know it's really hot outside. The streets of New York City are absolutely brutal. But, sweetie, it DOES NOT give you the right to wear that top. It's merely a bikini! Are you trying to masquerade it as a top? And if so, something fashionable? I would hope not. For the colors were all wrong. A dark blood red with bright green trim and what appeared to be blue polka dots. How could you? Your stomach was hanging over your jean shorts (too short if you ask me) and its jiggling is what initially caught my eye. Not your tanned skin. Not your boobs on display for all of 7th Avenue (not very impressive either, b-cups at most). Your jolly, jiggling belly.

I know it's really hot outside. One might think it would be a welcome sight on the streets of New York. A girl in a bikini. Miles from any beach. A girl in a bikini, to remind you of those summer days down the shore. A vacation in your mind from the sweltering heat as you head to the train or back to the office. A brief imagining of crashing waves, seashells, sunscreen. But with you the image is ruined because you look like a beached whale. Who wants to see a beached whale on a day trip to the shore? It's sad. And whales are too heavy to just pick up and throw back in the ocean. So the day is ruined. Thanks.

I know it's really hot outside. But if I see you tomorrow wearing that tiny bikini top or something similar, I won't just take a picture and upload it so I can draw funny sayings and pictures on it. I will let you know it's not okay. You are ruining people's days!!! It's not fair. You almost ruined mine. But blogging about is releasing all the pent up disgust and anger at seeing your flab.

If your hot friend you were with wants to show up wearing only bikini briefs though, I guess that would be just fine. I may not even notice you...?...Now I don't have anything against overweight or not-so-in-shape girls (or guys) in bikinis. But your on one of the busiest streets in NYC!!! A little decency needs to be displayed. Cover it up. Please.

NYC Pride Vs. The Little Mermaid

So today was my final performance as the prince in the Little Mermaid at the children's theater I work at. Of course I go into the city early to partake in the glitzy and quite glamorous shenanigans that is NYC Pride.

You know. Guys running around naked, guys wearing leather ass-less chaps, guys in bikini briefs. Or, by far the best, over-weight bears wearing only clear plastic Seran wrap. These fellas just so happened to have made camp directly in front of the entrance to the theater where we were about to put on a show for dozens of 3-10 year old children. I'm sure they're parents marveled at the durability of Seran Wrap.

As I walked among the chaos and the dedication to enforce equality, I pondered skipping my performance and letting my colors fly. Put all worries aside and fly my queer flag. But, alas, the prince has half the damn lines in the play! I couldn't do that to the poor mermaid...

But before I adorned myself in a cheesy, over-exhuberant purple blouse and baggy pants, I took some time to galavant among my kind. Sometimes getting cat-calls and booty slaps, probably because I was wearing my "super skinny" jeans. I did end up going shirtless for one group of oily men. In return, all five, or maybe six, flashed me their ding-dongs. All dongs were completely unattractive but it was the thought that counted.

So, I ended up experiencing Pride and putting on a great show for the kiddies. I go from naked men and various shapes and sizes of lesbian titties, to frolicking on stage for some giggling munchkins. It was an interesting day. Let's see what the rest of the week brings. I feel pretty positive about it.