The Girl in the Polka Dot Bikini

To the girl in the polka dot bikini...

I know it's really hot outside. The streets of New York City are absolutely brutal. But, sweetie, it DOES NOT give you the right to wear that top. It's merely a bikini! Are you trying to masquerade it as a top? And if so, something fashionable? I would hope not. For the colors were all wrong. A dark blood red with bright green trim and what appeared to be blue polka dots. How could you? Your stomach was hanging over your jean shorts (too short if you ask me) and its jiggling is what initially caught my eye. Not your tanned skin. Not your boobs on display for all of 7th Avenue (not very impressive either, b-cups at most). Your jolly, jiggling belly.

I know it's really hot outside. One might think it would be a welcome sight on the streets of New York. A girl in a bikini. Miles from any beach. A girl in a bikini, to remind you of those summer days down the shore. A vacation in your mind from the sweltering heat as you head to the train or back to the office. A brief imagining of crashing waves, seashells, sunscreen. But with you the image is ruined because you look like a beached whale. Who wants to see a beached whale on a day trip to the shore? It's sad. And whales are too heavy to just pick up and throw back in the ocean. So the day is ruined. Thanks.

I know it's really hot outside. But if I see you tomorrow wearing that tiny bikini top or something similar, I won't just take a picture and upload it so I can draw funny sayings and pictures on it. I will let you know it's not okay. You are ruining people's days!!! It's not fair. You almost ruined mine. But blogging about is releasing all the pent up disgust and anger at seeing your flab.

If your hot friend you were with wants to show up wearing only bikini briefs though, I guess that would be just fine. I may not even notice you...?...Now I don't have anything against overweight or not-so-in-shape girls (or guys) in bikinis. But your on one of the busiest streets in NYC!!! A little decency needs to be displayed. Cover it up. Please.

NYC Pride Vs. The Little Mermaid

So today was my final performance as the prince in the Little Mermaid at the children's theater I work at. Of course I go into the city early to partake in the glitzy and quite glamorous shenanigans that is NYC Pride.

You know. Guys running around naked, guys wearing leather ass-less chaps, guys in bikini briefs. Or, by far the best, over-weight bears wearing only clear plastic Seran wrap. These fellas just so happened to have made camp directly in front of the entrance to the theater where we were about to put on a show for dozens of 3-10 year old children. I'm sure they're parents marveled at the durability of Seran Wrap.

As I walked among the chaos and the dedication to enforce equality, I pondered skipping my performance and letting my colors fly. Put all worries aside and fly my queer flag. But, alas, the prince has half the damn lines in the play! I couldn't do that to the poor mermaid...

But before I adorned myself in a cheesy, over-exhuberant purple blouse and baggy pants, I took some time to galavant among my kind. Sometimes getting cat-calls and booty slaps, probably because I was wearing my "super skinny" jeans. I did end up going shirtless for one group of oily men. In return, all five, or maybe six, flashed me their ding-dongs. All dongs were completely unattractive but it was the thought that counted.

So, I ended up experiencing Pride and putting on a great show for the kiddies. I go from naked men and various shapes and sizes of lesbian titties, to frolicking on stage for some giggling munchkins. It was an interesting day. Let's see what the rest of the week brings. I feel pretty positive about it.

In a Land of Opportunity...

...why can't I find one? I work in the greatest city in the world. I moved away from home to start a new life, one that I can be proud of. Yet, I feel there is something missing. Well, I know something is missing. There always is. I love what I do, I work in children's theater for goodness' sake, who wouldn't? However, it pays nothing. I would get paid more to have people watch me get shit thrown at me by monkeys. Monkeys who are specially trained to do so and eat only the food that produces the best projectile arc. They would throw shit at me. But, I've decided to dedicate my life to the nonprofits. It just feels right...?...

No it really does.

My job does not pay me enough to keep up with the bills. I am not "keeping up with the Jones'." And so I need another one. You would think that with my background and experience blah, blah, blah, it wouldn't be so hard. Pshaw. I'm not asking for a lot of money here people! It's nonprofit! But alas, I will keep doing public relations and acting in children's theater productions because it's what I'm passionate about right now. I could be a corporate brown-noser. Sniffing out the ripest butthole to insert my nose, thereby getting ahead in life. Theater is more fun though, and less smelly.

Something will come along. I know that's what you are thinking. And you are probably right. But save it. This is my blog and I do what I want. Just kidding. I'm confident I will find success. Like everyone else though, I want it NOW.

On to other missed opportunities...

The other day I happened to glance up from my daily morning trance-walk to West 38th, listening to I believe a Missy Elliot anthem, and spot a gorgeous twenty-something, murse-carrying specimen of a man. Naturally, I get excited and start following him like he was going to lead me to El Dorado. I turned down West 36th and as I was about to come upon him, he stops abruptly and turns around. I immediately ran, yes RAN, across the street, unmindful of traffic and passersby. I panicked. I had my sight set on something so beautiful and just let it slip away. What was I going to do if I caught up to him? Compliment his murse? Ask him how the weather was? What? Missed my chance at what could have been a happy marriage, or civil union, and many adopted Asian baby girls.

I also bought a coffee at Pret A Manger today and glancing in the organic coffee shop around the corner I saw the most attractive barista I had ever seen, other than myself in my Starbucks days. Dark, shaggy hair. Lip piercing. Sharp blue eyes. Just simply delectable. So, I left my newly purchased large coffee from Pret, complete with organic soy and the perfect amount of sugar, on the ledge by the shop and went in. I didn't want him to think I was a traitor, buying other cafe's sludge. Or even worse, a stalker who just wanted to converse (bone) with him. I walked up to the counter and he was as pleasant as you would think he would be, with eyes that I could just swim in. He asked "Hey what's up?" My libido and I want to suck on your piercing. "Hi how are you? Just a large coffee please." "Anything else?" Can you spit in it so I can taste you? "Nope that's it." Thanks, bye. Two coffees, no boyfriend. Four dollars less and still no sex. Missed my chance.

It's New York City! Opportunities at love should be boundless! I know what you are thinking. How Carrie Bradshaw of you Nick. Well yes. It is very Carrie. I don't care. It's been so long since I've been in a serious relationship. Usually, I date a guy for a week or two and then break his heart. How Samantha (pre-Smith) of you. Yea I know. Is it so wrong to find the perfect guy? Where are you?? Are you reading this? Chances are you are not. But if you are that guy in the coffee shop, I will stalk you from the sidewalk tomorrow because you're coffee is too expensive and one day I know you will notice me watching and not be freaked out.

Despite it all, I am always the optimist. I'm the same fun-loving guy I've always been. I'm just realizing that I will be a quarter of a century old in three and a half months. And I hope some of these missed opportunities will be found by then. Maybe all it takes is the right cafe, the perfect happy hour spot, the nonprofit job listing site I haven't discovered yet. I will be sitting in my one to two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, smiling.

The First One.

It's time to give blogging a go. Anyone who knows me knows I have a lot to say about everything. Politics, equality, headline news, etc. So now any body else who may for some reason be interested in what I have to say can feel free to read these thoughts. I actually think I am quite funny and frankly, my opinion matters. Mostly to me but it should matter to all of you as well. After all, I am a person, and I've got a lot to say...