10 Reasons For Becoming A Prostitute.

1) They say what they want and they don't care.

2) They drink and smoke what they want...and they certainly don't care.

3) They get all the sex they want!!! (Give or take a couple diseases. And maybe an unplanned pregnancy or two. Small price to pay? You be the judge.)

4) They have celebrity clients.

5) They can work under the table. Suck on that Uncle Sam! (They can also work on top of the table, the couch, or a hotel bed. Sometimes a car.)

6) If someone messes with them, they have a huge, hulking pimp to back them up. One who is hopefully skilled in the art of the "pimpslap."

7) Their hours are not set in stone. No 9-5's for these ladies, or men, of the night!

8) They are usually paid in cash.

9) They get to wear really slutty clothes freely...and they don't care. Break out those black thigh-high boots, leather skirts and tube-tops! I've got mine on already.

10) They make a lot of lonely business men happy when they are on furlough with their wives, or on vacay.

Disclaimer: I am not advocating prostitutes, even though I think you should do what you want. This is sarcasm. Get it? ;)

YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!

That's what HR said. Ok. It wasn't that harsh. But it sure did sting.

I got laid. HA! Kidding. I got laid off. Yeah I know. In this economy. And it toooooootallyyyyy sucks. I mean, it wasn't the most glamorous job. Actually, I hated it. I joked with my coworkers that if we were given the choice to stay or leave, I would leave. And lo and behold, fair blog reader! I hath goteth the ax...eth.

Most people would be like, "Sweet. I can take some time, collect unemployment, and chill." Oh no. Not this homo. I NEED a job. I am so bored it's unreal. I have seen almost every episode of How I Met Your Mother and have read like 5 books. One upside is that I am slowly becoming a better chef (which I hope does not entail me becoming larger, cause I ain't playing that game). I'm also working out more. I guess that's somewhat self-affirming. But I just can't help feeling a tad bit like a loser. Just the slightest bit though, because I'm pretty freakin' fabulous.

So I spend 2 to 3 hours a day applying to jobs. All kinds of jobs, this chick isn't picky. Something will come up. Hopefully I won't have to work the streets...again. Ha! Just kidding again! (Sorry baby, you know I don't do that). Oh yeah, I have a wonderful boyfriend now who has my whole entire heart. He helps me through these trying times. We like to quote It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Steel Magnolias. Yup, we are sickeningly adorable. So sue me. One of him only comes around once in a lifetime.

So even though things seem to be going in a slow downward spiral to oblivion, I think they will be looking up. As long as I can pay da billz. I'm using this period of stagnant boredom as a chance to make some changes and mayhap land a job I actually give a shit about. And knowing my track record, that's going to be tough. Most jobs I start don't last much longer than a fifteen year old girl's first monthly gift (or any ensuing gifts she may receive). I hope I stay at this next job, whatever it may be, long enough to at least put it on my resume.

Alright, blog. There. I've updated you. Can you stop nagging me to post on you now? No? Ok fine. I'll stick to it this time. Sorry for neglecting you like crack addict's baby. I'll be better. <3

Been Awhile...

Ok so...

I'm back. I really need to back into the blogging thing. It relieves so much...tension. You know?

I've recently tried to usurp myself back into gay culture. Go to bars in Hell's Kitchen, Chelsea, all the hot spots. Not necessarily to meet guys, just be around my kind. I also recently found, I don't really fit into these scenes. Despite my flamboyant mannerisms and stunning ensembles, I just can't deal with all the MEN. They are everywhere. Talking in groups, grinding on each other, attempting to get free drinks from the hot bartender...I just wanna be with my friends and consume the cheapest booze possible.

It's not like I'm poor and need to watch my budget. I just love a divey, disgusting Lower East Side bar, worthy of nothing but a sideways glance as you move to the club down the block. These places are full of dynamic personalities and good times, as long as you know how to look. They are great for meeting with friends, making new ones and cheap whiskey.

Gay men kind of freak me out. I just don't know how to handle more than one or two at one time. I want to start dating and it's been FOREVER since I actually dated, so I recently joined a dating website. One I so inconspicuously call OkStupid. The only messages I get, and I get a lot unfortunately, just say "Hey what's up?" or "Liked your profile. Wanna meet?"

Say whaaaaaaaaaa....

What kind of girl do you take me for??? I need to know a little about you. What's your favorite drink? What do you do? Are you a cuddler? If so, how much? (I shudder to think) How do you like your pb&j? Hopefully with extra p.

In short, I'm pretty selective. It's either a curse or a blessing. We'll see when that right guy comes along and we get past that first awkward date...First dates are actually kind of fun, but that's another post for another day...Say tomorrow? :)