New Musings, New Possibilities

I've been thinking lately...

Am I satisfied with my life? Am I truly happy with what I am doing? Where I'm going? I'm thinking more and more that the answer is no.

I've always been the type to not think things through. I jump into situations without much planning. Ever since graduating college I have been cruising through jobs and homes. Jet-setting to snowboard in the mountains, L.A., New Orleans, Vegas, Atlantic City, New York. I'm all over the place. I was one step away from spending a year in South Korea and teaching, but I didn't commit to that either. Now I'm working in the city and yet again looking for another job. I'm so impulsive with everything. When will I settle?

I've been thinking lately...

There's no way I'm settling soon. With so many things going on in the world, I think it's time I addressed another dream of mine: too travel overseas and work for a cause. Or maybe to stay in the country and work for a cause. I haven't decided, but apparently I don't decide on things until the time comes to decide. I read an article earlier on the nation of Haiti. Six months after the devastating earthquake that ravaged the already impoverished nation, there is still no long term recovery. Tents are still in place, equipped with food and keeping people off the streets, yes. But there is still rubble strewn everywhere. The cities are in shambles and the government is of no help. Children not receiving the attention they need. Could this be my next move? Possibly...

I've been thinking lately...

Kids. I love kids. We all know this. I work at a children's theater. But I want to make a bigger impact. I know that I could be a good teacher. But where? This is what I can't decide.

I've also been thinking lately...

Boys. I know this doesn't have anything to do with what I want to do with my life, but it's important. I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time. I haven't even dated in a long time. The boys I had been seeing were expendable and gone within 1 to 2 weeks. It's time to find a quality boyfriend. Or is it? I miss having a boy to date, kiss and introduce to my friends. But I have been thinking that I may not be around for long depending on what happens in my life. Sheesh.

What to do? What to do? Is anyone else as impulsive, indecisive and unsettled as I am? Let's see what happens I guess...

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!?!

I keep having dreams where my teeth fall out. Either I spit them into my hand or I feel them swishing around in my mouth. Then I wake up in a panic and frantically ensure that each and every tooth is in its place, from molar to incisor and back to molar. So what does is it mean? I took the liberty of finally looking it up, since I've been having this dream since I can remember.

One suggestion is that I am insecure with my looks, that I don't have confidence in myself. I am worried about how people perceive me and that they judge me harshly. Since teeth are a major concern in looks and play a large part when it comes to "necking" or "making love," I may think of myself as unsatisfactory. It could mean I am sexually impotent. It could also mean I'm going through menopause.

Well I don't think that's true. I like my teeth and I think I'm semi-attractive. I have enough confidence to get up in front of dozens of people and do presentations or perform. I may not date often, or have boyfriends ever, but I'm not afraid to flirt with the bartender for a free drink. Or ask the hottie over there if he wants to grind our bodies sensuously together (or dance).

Another meaning of this horrible nightmare could be that I am embarrassed of some future event where I might make a fool of myself. Some stressful situation where I look like an ass. Since these dreams are rooted in worries and anxieties, I might be afraid that I'll fudge up a line in one of my plays or my fly will be down the whole time I'm on the subway and someone will be trying to tell me but my headphones are in and I just look at that person like he's crazy. Oh wait, that actually happened.

I don't think that's the case either. I make a douche out of myself all the time. I'll say something stupid or have my shirt on backward. I'll drop the coffees on the floor or, just today, tripped over the escalator as the moving steps came to an end. I just laugh at myself and get over it.

Some other explanations are that I have a sense of powerlessness and I'm not in control of my life. That I'm afraid of getting old. There are scriptural reasonings in which I may be putting my faith and trust in man instead of the word of God. Haha! That one's really good. It could mean someone in my family is sick, that I have lots of money or that I tell lots of lies.

Whateverrrrr. I don't know. I think I just like my teeth and I worry about losing them. Though I would look atrocious with a mouthful of gaps and a gummy smile. Time for a set of falsies at that point. Shit.

I also have dreams about puppets and ventriloquist dummies. But that's because they are the most frightening things in the world and will continue to torment my slumber until I die. I also saw a large advertisement by Penn Station today of a horrifying clown that makes no sense. It's just there to ruin my day I guess.

Regardless, I like my dreams. Sleep would be boring without them and I'd probably do less of it. And then I'd have more dreams about my teeth falling out because I'm not getting enough sleep and I'd be worried about making an ass out of myself because I'm not performing up to par during the day. So keep 'em coming subconscious! Or where ever dreams come from.